Rest in Peace to Barbara Jo Koester, my wife and best friend for 15 years.
April 18, 1964 to November 30, 2022
Barb was born near Chicago and grew up there. She was the youngest of 3 sisters. She leaves behind one of her sisters and her husband and family, a son and his wife and their two sons, her partner of 15 years, Jeff Nettleton (me) and two beloved puddy tats, Derek and Aja. She was preceded in death by her parents, her older sister, her best friend and her other beloved cats, Ashes and, especially, Girlie.
Barb did not have an easy life. There was a significant gap in age between her and her two sisters and her parents had a troubled marriage, that included alcoholism and physical abuse. Her mother divorced her father, but left Barb with her father. She suffered from clinical depression and anxiety disorders and was possibly bi-polar, since her teen years, at least. It affected her throughout her life and contributed to her physical health issues. She married and had a son, but her husband was physically and mentally abusive, as well as of low moral character. She found the strength to leave him and find a better life for herself and her son.
In 2007, she came into my life. We met via Yahoo's personals website, and we began talking on-line. We set up a date and, since she was new in town, we decided to meet and my workplace, Barnes & Noble, since she knew where it was and it was close to the restaurant and the movie theater where we planned to dine and see a film. I got there early (habitual) and she got there late (ditto). I was anxiously surveying every woman who entered the store, as her profile picture was a bit fuzzy, so the details of her face were not sharp. Then, an attractive, slim woman, with reddish hair and a big smile walked in and looked right at me. I returned the smile and gaze and she kept looking directly at me, smiling broadly. I asked if she was Barb and she said yes, and I smiled even more and handed her a bouquet of flowers (I have class). I showed her around a bit, just to break the ice and then we went off to dinner, at Chilis. We immediately fell into conversation and it was probably more than a half hour before the waiter could finally take our order, as we were so involved in conversation we kept ignoring the menu. We talked and flirted and had an immediate connection, fostered by our online conversations.
We went over to the theater and saw the animated film, Over The Hedge, based on the comic strip. Barb enjoyed animated films and tv cartoons (especially the Nickelodeon cartoons she watched with her son, like Hey, Arnold, Doug and some of their other prominent series). We went inside and sat down. To this point I hadn't kissed Barb. She took my hand as we left the car to go into the theater and after we sat down, she said my name and I turned to face her and she kissed me, since I hadn't made the first move yet, being rather shy. She said "Now we have the awkward part out of the way." We held hands and sat back to watch the movie, which was just "okay;" but, we didn't care because the evening was so wonderful. At some point, I leaned over and rested my head on her shoulder and she clutched my hand tighter.
After the film was over, I guided her back to her apartment, since she was unsure of the route home (she was always directionally challenged). We talked inside, kissed a bit and then went outside to enjoy a nice evening (it was somewhere between Spring and Summer; but I don't recall the exact month). We sat out on the grass, looking up at the stars and talked for a few hours, before I finally said goodnight and went back home (perfect gentleman, I might add). I sent her a long e-mail (go figure) that night.
We dated for a bit and moved slowly, as I didn't want to presume anything and she wanted to be sure, as she had had some bad relationships. We dated for a little over a month before we were intimate. She let me know it was time and I brought her roses.....and a bag of ice! She asked me to pick up the latter. She liked to chew ice. She left me a note and a key and told me to let myself in and come to her apartment. There she greeted me to the sight of sexy lingerie and a beautiful evening.
We continued seeing each other and our relationship blossomed, though we hit a road bump, when she got in a bit of trouble with a police stop, for a missing license plate, missing proof of insurance, and an unpaid speeding ticket, for which she missed a court date. I helped her get it all sorted out; but, there was a lot of chaos to get through, a lot of irresponsible behavior, and it was part of several things she had withheld from me. I thought I was getting into trouble and broke off the relationship, after she delivered an ultimatum, when I cooled things off with her. I didn't understand the depths of her mental health issues and I got scared by how out of control parts of her life seemed.
We went our separate ways, though she did stop in the store once, which ended up being very awkward. I then got an offer to transfer to another branch, for more money and took it. After I moved and settled in and a bit of time passed, I received an e-mail from her, telling me how things were going for her. She was working a new job (she was on Social Security Disability, for lupus, although that proved to be a false diagnosis and her depression was at the heart of her physical issues) and seemed to be more "together." I had been a bit lonely, after the move and little response to a new personal at a dating site. We decided to meet for dinner and catch up. We met at an Olive Garden, back where I had been living, and while I waited outside, she walked up to me (towering over me in her wedgie shoes, which boosted her about 3 1/2 inches above my height) and we preceded to give the waiting crowd a big show as she walked up to me and planted a big kiss on me, while I held flowers, for her.
We rekindled our relationship and I asked her to join me, in my new home. It was a rocky start, as I went for low cost in my housing, rather than a picturesque place. I thought it was nice and far roomier than the one bedroom I had, before (it was a townhouse, but had been housing on an Air Force Base, before the base was closed down and buildings and land sold to private companies and individuals). She didn't like it and we had some rough early months, but made it our home.
We had our good and bad times. She had issues with her anxiety medication, which was a benzodiazepine, and she had addiction issues with it. She would over take her dosages and got to the point that she had taken an entire month's supply half way through the month. She tried to hide it, as she had shorted herself before and lied to me about dropping some of it down vents or in the bathroom. I came home, one evening, to find her shivering, in a fetal position, on the bed, looking like she would have a stroke or heart attack, at any moment. I rushed her to the hospital and she was admitted, as they were concerned about protein breakdown in her muscles. She spent about 3 days in the hospital and we then sorted things out with her psychiatrist.
We had other incidents and she had high tolerances for entire families of depression and anxiety medications, from years of being on high doses. They'd work for a time, then she'd build up tolerances, to the point they stopped working. This caused trust issues, as she would lie to me about her overdosing and she would exhibit compulsive behaviors when she was depressed, including using my credit card, without my knowledge, to compulsively shop. We nearly split up a couple of times, but always worked it out. We eventually found her a new doctor and a new medication (still not widely prescribed) which seemed to stabilize her.
I was pushed out of my job, at Barnes & Noble, as they were cost-cutting, in preparation of selling off, and targeted tenured employees, with higher than average salaries. I was one of the highest paid assistant managers, with 20 years at the company and a raise to come to my then-current location. Suddenly, my district manager found fault with everything I did and I could tell she was dictating my rather shocking annual evaluation, which said I needed improvement. It came to a head, when I was delivered a final warning, that I found to be complete BS. I told my boss that it was obvious that nothing I could do would satisfy the DM and would likely tender my resignation, by the next day. He asked me to wait, while he talked to her about what we could do do demonstrate my commitment. I was skeptical that I would get a fair shake and let him go ahead, but typed up a letter of resignation. The next day, I delivered it and he then confided that her response was pretty much that everything he offered "is just a start" and agreed that I would not get fair consideration. I already went through something similar, as a young naval officer, when I made a mistake and my CO tried to have me drummed out of the Navy for making a black mark on his record, despite my having only been on the job for 6 months and was expected to make mistakes (an administrative mistake and nothing that endangered anyone). I wasn't going to submit to a kangaroo court, again. Barb stood by me, as I found a new job, at a much higher salary, then quit it, several months later, after being stressed out to the point that I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I struggled with finding a new job, worked an underpaying part time job to bring in money, while we used her disability check to pay the utilities. It took close to two years and three job changes, before I was able to find a stable position, which respected my experience and offered good money and benefits, where I am today.
We moved to a new town and started fresh, but problems arose, as her physical health grew worse and her depression fueled more bad behaviors and I found it increasingly difficult to deal with her mental issues. We went through the death of my father and then her mother, on her birthday, previously, then lost my mother, who had treated her like a daughter. As her mental issues grew, I withdrew, which fueled more problems. We were going to split up, when COVID hit. We worked things out to where we could co-exist, though the romance was over. Still, even at the worst, with thoughts that I wish I had never met her, so I wouldn't have to go through with our problems and fights, I still cared more about her well being than my own peace of mind and couldn't bring myself to walk out on her.
I have documented what had happened recently, on the Meanwhile thread, about self-medicating, with alcohol, which led to hospitalization, after weakening her body. I have talked of the sub-standard nursing home she was placed at, for physical rehabilitation, in hopes of coming home and her anxiety issues and then her hospitalization for shortness of breath and testing positive for COVID.
Barb had Degenerative Disc Disease, where three of her discs had deteriorated to the point that bone pressed against bone, creating intense pain, unless she relieved the pressure, by laying on her side. She could only lay on her right side, because she also suffered from Meniere's Disease, which creates balance issues in the inner ear (her left ear) and would go into vertigo, if she was on her left side. She spent her time laying in bed, on the right side, using her laptop to pass the time. The years of this, combined with weight gain (a byproduct of her depression) caused deterioration in her right lung, to the point it was pretty much non-functional. The left lung was also being damaged be cause of her arm positioning and weight pressing on it, in the prone position, coupled with COVID attacking her lungs. She had to be on oxygen and then developed a hematoma, from her pick line. They took her into surgery, the Saturday before Thanksgiving and I rushed over there, before she was taken down and then awaited the outcome. The expectation was that she would go back to the nursing home, once she had healed to a certain point and that discussion began last Wednesday. That drove her anxiety through the roof and her oxygen levels dipped severely. She was then recommended that she go on a bipap machine, to push more air in, though she had been adamant about not going on a respirator or similar, nor feeding tubes. Her prognosis was bad, once they had chest X-rays and talk of the nursing home turned to chances of survival. i was contacted by a palliative care nurse, at work, and told that she had given me her power of attorney, that she was being placed on a bipap, and that the prognosis was not good and I needed to be prepared to possibly have to execute her wishes, with the doctor. The nurse didn't expect her to survive to the weekend. I went over to the hospital, after we closed (early, in advance of the holiday), after the nurse said I didn't need to rush over, as she wasn't in immediate danger. From that point on, I was at the hospital, then would come home to sleep and go back in the morning. I had Thanksgiving dinner with my brother, after spending the morning with her, then returned a couple of hours later and stayed with her until late evening, when I went home.
On Friday, she couldn't swallow her oral medications or water and they inserted a feeding tube, to which she agreed. On Saturday night, she pulled off her breathing mask and pulled out her feeding tube. I woke up to the mask alarm and the sound of the air rushing out and got the mask back over her face and called the nurse, who repositioned it. At the time, I didn't know about the tube, which the nurse found on the bed. The next day, we convinced her to allow its re-insertion, or she would die. We got it done and it was verified, but later discovered that it had some how been retracted into her mouth and it was removed. She then wouldn't allow it to be reinserted. Her blood sugars became a problem and dextrose IVs were necessary. Her breathing rate increased and her heart rate became more rapid and she was rapidly declining. Her sister came to see her Yesterday, after her son and grandsons came over the weekend. Her son came back today, with his wife. Last night, she had her mask changed to one of a different shape, but she was very afraid and I had to hold her hand to calm her down, for a few hours. I was dead tired, but she wouldn't let me leave her side, until after 2:00 am, this morning. She had a rough night and I awoke to hear the nurse say she was shivering and asked her if she was cold and then got her another blanket. Her sister came back to the hospital and Barb was greatly agitated and her breathing very rapid. We had them change her mask back to the previous style, and then worked to calm her down. Her son came and saw how much she had deteriorated and burst into tears, upon seeing her. At that point, I said I was going to have to make the decision quickly, as I had asked the doctor to hold off on executing a plant to make her comfortable, until her son could see her. However, he informed me that his youngest son's birthday is Friday and didn't want him to go through her passing on that day, as Barb's mom had done on hers, as well as the oldest son, who had experienced his maternal grandfather dying and being a pallbearer, on his 16th birthday. I said I would respect their wishes, but, it was clear that she was close to having a heart attack, based on her climbing heart rate and rapid breathing. The palliative nurse spoke to him about her wishes and I did and he still wanted to try to hang on until Sunday; but, we all didn't feel like she would make it that long and she could still die on Friday, if not sooner. We tried to get him to see that if we went with comfort now, giving her pain dosages and anxiety meds, then removing the bipap and replacing with oxygen mask, that she would likely pass before Friday. He still fought it. I had power of attorney. He left the room a bit and came back and I decided I had to execute Barb's wishes and get him to see that we were doing exactly what she didn't want and had always said, if she was facing terminal illness. I laid out my case that she had said she would refuse chemotherapy, if she was ever diagnosed with cancer and would rather die through assisted suicide or through comfort care, as we were proposing. I explained my own father's death from respiratory failure and how my mother had to make the decision to take him off a bipap, before I could get to South Carolina, where he was in hospital. She hadn't wanted me to know they had decided that, but my brother felt I should know and told me and I said I was glad they did, as him passing peacefully was more important to me, and I had said everything I would have, in person, in an e-mail that he read, and on the phone, on Christmas Day. I then explained that my mother was facing kidney failure, in September 2019 and dialysis might make a bit of improvement; but she would likely need it the rest of her life. She had been opposed to that; but, my brother wanted to try it and she accepted his wishes and tried it, but there was no improvement and she suffered more. They made the decision to make her comfortable and let her pass. I could not be there, because I was caring for Barb. I said, in both circumstances, those decisions were what was best for them and according to their wishes. I said the bipap machine and the IVs and the feeding tube were the equivalent of chemotherapy and it wouldn't save her and she was suffering, greatly. It was time to make her comfortable and pass in peace. I informed him I was going to consent, because I firmly believed she would not survive the night. He finally agreed with me, and I signed the paperwork, giving consent to stop the support treatment and transition to comfort.
A little after 5:00 pm CST, the nurse administered the first dose of pain medication nd anxiety meds. We then removed the bipap mask and turned off the machine, putting her on an oxygen line. Her breathing was rapid, causing her to give a rattling wheeze, as she exhaled. Her son left before 4:00 pm, as he couldn't witness it and just said to call his wife, when she was gone, as he couldn't handle seeing the phone ring, with my number. Her sister and brother-in-law remained with me. She received further dosages every hour. Just before 8:00 pm, Barb's brother-in-law went to pick us up some food, as it looked like things might take a while. A further dose was given before he returned, and then we ate dinner and were talking. Then, her sister noticed her breathing rate had dropped sharply and we returned bedside. I held Barb's hand and watched her breathing movements, which were very slow and intermittent. Her sister placed her hands on Barb's legs, on her other side, as she still lay on her side. She passed at some point between 8:30 and 8:45 pm and the nurses, who were remotely monitoring her vital signs, soon came into the room and checked her heart and then concurred with each other, then formally announced her passing. We then started our contact with a funeral home, after I consulted with my aunt, who lives here in town and had recently buried my uncle, who passed away and who had worked, in his retirement, as an attendant at a funeral home, before his health issues worsened. We gave the hospital their name, after consulting with them, I signed the final paperwork, as power of attorney, then we gathered our things and they went to their hotel and I came home to our cats. They've both been at my side as I have typed this long, rambling entry.
As I sat alone with Barb, this morning, I sang to her lyrics from this song, made famous by Elvis Presley, but which I preferred the version by The Pet Shop Boys....
It summed up how I felt about our relationship and that I wasn't always able to verbalize how much I loved her and couldn't be as physically demonstrative as she desired, because that wasn't the example I grew up with and it didn't come naturally to me. It was an issue for her and it worsened as I withdrew. It was my way to say I was sorry if I "made her feel second best" and that "I never told you, I'm so happy you are mine."
I couldn't remember the sequence of the lyrics, nor all of them and sang what I could remember. I then sang her the song that became "our song," after the first time I cooked her a meal. She had come over to my apartment and I fixed us dinner, and was playing the soundtrack, from Grosse Pointe Blank, and we were listening to Pete Townsends "E. Cola Mix" version of "Let My Love Open the Door." Which I told her was exactly how I felt she had opened the door to my heart. We cried together and listened to the song, again and it was forever "our song."
"When tragedy befalls you
Don't let it drag you down
Love can cure your problems
You're so lucky I'm around
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart."
Thank you for opening the door to my heart and bringing light to it, even in the bad times. You "got" me and loved me far more than I ever deserved, in my weakest moments. I was so lucky that you were around. I am glad you have now found the peace that eluded you, for so long.