My best friend died last week.
It wasnt a surprise, we were expecting it, HAD expected it for 2 years.
Cancer, lung, then brain in the last 5 - 6 months.
I'm numb.
Sure we all had our cry, with his parents then with his family and our friends at the funeral.
Sure it wasnt a surprise, not like when he was diagnosed 2 years ago.
But I'm numb.
Emotionally, and spiritually, no that's not quite right. I'm okay with this spiritually. My mate wasn't spiritual, had no faith, in fact was utterly,totally,joyfully atheist. I'm waiting for the day when I can finally walk up to him and go "See,I fucking knew you were wrong Glenn".
But emotionally I feel numb. My life with my partner is crumbling, and I feel nothing. 2 of my children wont talk to me(not a new thing) but I feel nothing. Drama at work and all I want to do is have a massive argument,fight...the bastards at work, the bastards here...its ok, I'm not a wife-beater, I take it out on innocent doorways.
Glenns dead and I get to carry on...hmm...hardly seems fair.
Glenn, for someone who patrolled Facebooks science pages for flat-earthers and lesbian vegans, had a love for alternative science as well. Our overnight discussions of Nazi Moon Bases, UFOs, and Ancient Egyptian Alien Contact, well they're over now.
The most important thing I learned from Glenn was friendship, and just as importantly what friendship meant. Like many things in his life, friendship was black and white. If he was your friend, that was it, full stop, no questions, no limitations, no bullshit. He just was, and he was there for the long run, hell or high water. He'd laugh with you, and at you. He'd fight with you, and he'd fight for you. He had your back until the end. He was a man of Integrity, and a man determined to live his life how he wanted.
Being a friend of Glenns had its responsibilities though. First and foremost was truth, which often came without warning, and with brutal honesty.
Secondly, was lack of judgement. He took you for who you were, and how you were to him, regardless of sex, race, or age.
Thirdly, he never suffered fools, so if you passed the first two criteria you had to have some quality he admired.
But now I'm numb.
I get that I'm going through some grief thing, analyzing all the shit in my life, thinking about what I'm not happy to put up with any more, what I should change in myself, hell just whats more important when you throw mortality into the mix. All through a haze of insomnia, lying there, staring at the ceiling, picturing my friend. Trying desperately to at least picture him 6 weeks ago when Martin and I took him on a road trip, being selfishly glad that I have a good final memory, feeling unselfishly glad that he passed reasonably quickly and didn't linger for weeks in his deathbed.
...and still I'm numb.
Don't worry, not suicidal, too numb to care about that
, just thinking that by the time I come right(ie forget about my friends death) I may have done irreparable damage to job or relationship...and I'm really struggling to care.