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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2017 17:14:53 GMT -5
Another thing to consider is that not only is every marriage different, it also evolves over time. Losing one's spouse during the early "OUR LOVE IS SETTING THE UNIVERSE ON FIRE" phase is like a punch in the gut and a kick in the groin, and the world must look like a terrible, hellish place right after... but time is a great healer, and that romantic passion we just saw extinguished can probably be restarted again and still blaze like a fourth of July. Passion can be found anew in young 'uns. Meanwhile, losing one's spouse after 30 years together is losing one's best friend. It's losing one half of something that you've been part of for most of your life. It's losing your right hand and part of your heart, plus one lung and one kidney. That can never, ever be replaced, if only because there's not enough time (and besides an old person does not feel the same type of passions as a young one). I could see bereaved people finding comfort and affection in someone else after losing a love of 30 years, and be really honest about it, but I'm sure they wouldn't pretend it was the same thing. So true. Different reasons for remarrying at a young age vs a mature age. For example a lot of people that had a spouse that died from cancer marry another person in the same circumstance. They meet in support groups & connect. They usually just want someone to do things with. Most don't "date" with the intention to get remarried...they just don't like being alone. |
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Post by Rob Allen on Jul 6, 2017 17:17:48 GMT -5
My experience: my first wife moved out in summer 1990. I met the woman who is now my wife in spring 1992 but we did not become "a couple" until late summer 1993. She is ten years older than I am, and has been in poor health most of her life, while I am in excellent health. So when I first thought about the long-term future with her, I realized that I would probably outlive her. It doesn't seem imminent, she's fine. But if & when it does happen, I'll be mentally & emotionally prepared.
I read a guideline many years ago - when a long-term relationship ends suddenly, it's a good idea to wait before starting a new one, and the length of time to wait should be about one-fourth of the length of the relationship that ended. My first marriage lasted 12 years, and the next relationship started three years later, so I followed the guideline (although I wasn't letting it dictate what I did, it just worked out that way). My ex-wife got involved with someone after only a year or two, and he turned out to be an alcoholic. So maybe this guideline is a good one.
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Post by Icctrombone on Jul 6, 2017 17:21:38 GMT -5
My experience: my first wife moved out in summer 1990. I met the woman who is now my wife in spring 1992 but we did not become "a couple" until late summer 1993. She is ten years older than I am, and has been in poor health most of her life, while I am in excellent health. So when I first thought about the long-term future with her, I realized that I would probably outlive her. It doesn't seem imminent, she's fine. But if & when it does happen, I'll be mentally & emotionally prepared. I read a guideline many years ago - when a long-term relationship ends suddenly, it's a good idea to wait before starting a new one, and the length of time to wait should be about one-fourth of the length of the relationship that ended. My first marriage lasted 12 years, and the next relationship started three years later, so I followed the guideline (although I wasn't letting it dictate what I did, it just worked out that way). My ex-wife got involved with someone after only a year or two, and he turned out to be an alcoholic. So maybe this guideline is a good one. I never heard that guideline. I was married with my first wife from 1984-2000 before we split. It took until 2008 before I dated someone seriously and was married to my second wife in 2011. In my case I wait 8 years - to date again. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2017 20:18:50 GMT -5
I'm getting married sometimes next Spring and this is my 1st and her 2nd ... and next Spring around end of April that our target date of marriage. We'll be waiting for 3 years for this and now she retired and this makes it easier for us to do so.
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Post by lobsterjohnson on Jul 6, 2017 20:24:47 GMT -5
I'm getting married sometimes next Spring and this is my 1st and her 2nd ... and next Spring around end of April that our target date of marriage. We'll be waiting for 3 years for this and now she retired and this makes it easier for us to do so. Congratulations Caped Crusader! |
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shaxper
CCF Site Custodian
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Post by shaxper on Jul 6, 2017 20:28:04 GMT -5
I'm getting married sometimes next Spring and this is my 1st and her 2nd ... and next Spring around end of April that our target date of marriage. We'll be waiting for 3 years for this and now she retired and this makes it easier for us to do so. Well congratulations!! As for the topic, I've seen a lot of examples of people who deeply loved their spouses moving on immediately, not out of apathy towards their lost loved one, but rather because they cannot deal with the grief. A lot of times, these second marriages don't seem to go very well for just such a reason. My mother was on the receiving end of that, actually. She dated a man who was recently widowed, and he proposed on the very first date. She flat out said no and stopped dating him for a time, but he was persistent, and she eventually fell in love enough to say "yes". The marriage was over a year later. He couldn't handle her not being a carbon copy of his dead wife. And there's the other applicable situation that we haven't touched yet -- moving on after divorce. I was 110% committed to my wife and loved her dearly, even with the troubles we were having. I often wonder whether having her decide to leave and hate me is better or worse than losing your loved one to death. At any rate, I struggle with the very idea of moving on. Not sure I was built to love a second person. I put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Time will tell; I make no vows or promises but, right now, it doesn't feel like I'm ever going to be ready to love again. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2017 20:51:31 GMT -5
I'm getting married sometimes next Spring and this is my 1st and her 2nd ... and next Spring around end of April that our target date of marriage. We'll be waiting for 3 years for this and now she retired and this makes it easier for us to do so. Congratulations! |
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Post by Icctrombone on Jul 6, 2017 21:17:12 GMT -5
I'm getting married sometimes next Spring and this is my 1st and her 2nd ... and next Spring around end of April that our target date of marriage. We'll be waiting for 3 years for this and now she retired and this makes it easier for us to do so. Well congratulations!! As for the topic, I've seen a lot of examples of people who deeply loved their spouses moving on immediately, not out of apathy towards their lost loved one, but rather because they cannot deal with the grief. A lot of times, these second marriages don't seem to go very well for just such a reason. My mother was on the receiving end of that, actually. She dated a man who was recently widowed, and he proposed on the very first date. She flat out said no and stopped dating him for a time, but he was persistent, and she eventually fell in love enough to say "yes". The marriage was over a year later. He couldn't handle her not being a carbon copy of his dead wife. And there's the other applicable situation that we haven't touched yet -- moving on after divorce. I was 110% committed to my wife and loved her dearly, even with the troubles we were having. I often wonder whether having her decide to leave and hate me is better or worse than losing your loved one to death. At any rate, I struggle with the very idea of moving on. Not sure I was built to love a second person. I put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Time will tell; I make no vows or promises but, right now, it doesn't feel like I'm ever going to be ready to love again. For better or for worse time moves on. It's a sad lesson, in a way, That no one is irreplaceable. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2017 22:53:03 GMT -5
I'm getting married sometimes next Spring and this is my 1st and her 2nd ... and next Spring around end of April that our target date of marriage. We'll be waiting for 3 years for this and now she retired and this makes it easier for us to do so. Well congratulations!! As for the topic, I've seen a lot of examples of people who deeply loved their spouses moving on immediately, not out of apathy towards their lost loved one, but rather because they cannot deal with the grief. A lot of times, these second marriages don't seem to go very well for just such a reason. My mother was on the receiving end of that, actually. She dated a man who was recently widowed, and he proposed on the very first date. She flat out said no and stopped dating him for a time, but he was persistent, and she eventually fell in love enough to say "yes". The marriage was over a year later. He couldn't handle her not being a carbon copy of his dead wife. And there's the other applicable situation that we haven't touched yet -- moving on after divorce. I was 110% committed to my wife and loved her dearly, even with the troubles we were having. I often wonder whether having her decide to leave and hate me is better or worse than losing your loved one to death. At any rate, I struggle with the very idea of moving on. Not sure I was built to love a second person. I put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Time will tell; I make no vows or promises but, right now, it doesn't feel like I'm ever going to be ready to love again. I know exactly how you feel and it's a lesson for all of us to do. I'm nearly 60 years of age and I haven't met the right person yet and now because of her we been waiting for the right time and all that. Her 1st marriage ended in a tragic death and she did not feel right about marriage after 3 years after his death. I understand that and she worked another 5 years and wanted to retire at the age of 57 of which it was last April. She waited nearly 5 years and by time next April rolls around and she wanted to get married on her birthday of which it is the 15th (Sunday) and that's kind of unusual request for her to do this. She wanted that to keep things simple and all that. We wanted a simple wedding of no more than 50-70 guests and make it a country style potluck with a simple french vanilla sheet cake for our wedding. It is easier to cut and have it with french vanilla ice cream. We've don't have any parents and just our brothers and her two younger sisters and a brother will be attending it She has stepmother and they don't get along at all and she won't be inviting her because she got re-married a year after her father died and that's pains her greatly. Anyway, we have been talking about it and planning on taking some time off in September to do some preparation and that's why I'm not going to be here much at all. I've already have my best man and she already pick her maid of honor and thinking about having two ushers and bridemaids to wrap things up. That's all for now. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2017 22:56:16 GMT -5
I'm getting married sometimes next Spring and this is my 1st and her 2nd ... and next Spring around end of April that our target date of marriage. We'll be waiting for 3 years for this and now she retired and this makes it easier for us to do so. Congratulations! Read the post above you to Shax. And, thanks ...  |
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Post by Icctrombone on Jul 7, 2017 4:23:41 GMT -5
Congratulations @mechagodzilla !
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Post by Icctrombone on Jul 7, 2017 4:26:12 GMT -5
Anyway, we have been talking about it and planning on taking some time off in September to do some preparation and that's why I'm not going to be here much at all. I've already have my best man and she already pick her maid of honor and thinking about having two ushers and bridemaids to wrap things up. That's all for now. Every time you say this, the members of CCF have drink a shot!  Just kidding my friend, you plans sound lovely. |
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Post by brutalis on Jul 7, 2017 8:10:02 GMT -5
Hows about those of us never married? My case; met my soul mate when I was 21, she was 4 years older and just divorced with a 1 year old daughter. We met through my job as I was working the local grocery store meat counter 5-7 days a week and I would see her shopping 2-3 times a week. Eventually started up conversations and taking breaks with her when she shopped. Turns into love. We never married as she had filed disabled for insurance purposes with Diabetes problems for a right below knee amputation. We lived separately but for all intents and purposes we considered ourselves as married and devoted to each other.
Spent 11 years with this woman who showed me what love is truly meant to be. Once she passed away I never had any desire to date or look for a relationship again. Our 11 years together was our lifetime and having shared such a love it colors my views and desires for any relationship to come. I have dated some here and there over the years but for the most part haven't found another to spark the love fires or for igniting the passion and desires and hopes and dreams since then. Having found and experienced such a love once means it may never occur again. Doesn't mean I won't find another love but it does mean I don't feel the need to constantly search. If love happens, then happy happy, joy joy, great and all that crazily romantic wonderful jazzmatazz and yet if love never comes around again so be it. Can live my life knowing my moment in time and love was fulfilled...
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shaxper
CCF Site Custodian
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Post by shaxper on Jul 7, 2017 8:16:43 GMT -5
Hows about those of us never married? My case; met my soul mate when I was 21, she was 4 years older and just divorced with a 1 year old daughter. We met through my job as I was working the local grocery store meat counter 5-7 days a week and I would see her shopping 2-3 times a week. Eventually started up conversations and taking breaks with her when she shopped. Turns into love. We never married as she had filed disabled for insurance purposes with Diabetes problems for a right below knee amputation. We lived separately but for all intents and purposes we considered ourselves as married and devoted to each other. Spent 11 years with this woman who showed me what love is truly meant to be. Once she passed away I never had any desire to date or look for a relationship again. Our 11 years together was our lifetime and having shared such a love it colors my views and desires for any relationship to come. I have dated some here and there over the years but for the most part haven't found another to spark the love fires or for igniting the passion and desires and hopes and dreams since then. Having found and experienced such a love once means it may never occur again. Doesn't mean I won't find another love but it does mean I don't feel the need to constantly search. If love happens, then happy happy, joy joy, great and all that crazily romantic wonderful jazzmatazz and yet if love never comes around again so be it. Can live my life knowing my moment in time and love was fulfilled... This is so beautiful. I'm both profoundly sorry for your loss and so happy that you have these memories to warm you. |
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Post by adamwarlock2099 on Jul 7, 2017 8:27:21 GMT -5
For me personally? Probably never. I'd let the misery and anger eat away at me like a cancer, and another woman deserves better than what I could give her should my wife die before me.
Anyone else, that's strictly their business. My father in law remarried within a year of his wife's death, and I'm pretty sure they were close to 30 years together.
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