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Post by Roquefort Raider on Oct 17, 2016 5:22:47 GMT -5
Well, in Temple of Doom, he feel out of an airplane with a rubber raft and survived. While certainly uncommon, there are real cases of people jumping/falling out of an airplane without a parachute and surviving, it no more forces me to suspend my disbelief than watching a Batman movie where he doesn't pop his shoulder out of its socket every time he uses a batrope to catch himself while jumping off a building. Surviving a nuclear blast at ground zero however... -M Tsutomu Yamaguchi did it! Twice!
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Post by adamwarlock2099 on Oct 17, 2016 8:46:11 GMT -5
Indiana Jones and the Quest for Social Security And the way I understand it, most people my age will be on that quest too when they get to retirment age with the fine handling of those funds that the US government has done so far.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2016 8:48:14 GMT -5
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shaxper
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Post by shaxper on Oct 17, 2016 9:54:50 GMT -5
So my wife moved out this weekend. It's been in the works for weeks now, and I couldn't stand the waiting/worrying anymore. I'm glad it's over with, but it's like my entire life changed overnight. I went from living a life of daily joy, stress, and anger to a life with none of those things. Now I'm just alone in this big empty house that we intended to fill with five people, I'm relaxed, I feel no anger, and I'm depressed and lonely. I still get the kids half the time, but they've been asking to go with my wife these past few days, and I get it -- when they stay with me, it can feel like mommy is leaving them too. I don't intend to ever force or guilt them into staying with me. I know they love me and they'll eventually choose to of their own free will.
I didn't want my wife to leave. As the child of divorced parents, I've spent my entire life working towards NOT being that couple. My life right now is beyond the worst case scenarios I'd envisioned for myself, but somehow I am okay. I spent my entire life being the boring, safe guy planning for a specific future, and now that future is out the window. So I am taking it day by day, and it's nothing but weird.
This weekend, I found that I couldn't stand looking at empty spaces where my wife's things used to be, so I did some massive rearranging to fill the spaces. The place doesn't LOOK empty anymore, and that helps. I moved our guest bedroom into my wife's former office and am currently setting up a study for my girls where the guest room used to be -- bookshelves, desks, a reading space -- it's going to be nice. That's filling my time and giving me something positive to do / look forward to.
But this is just a totally different reality for me. I've never lived alone, and my worst most unacceptable nightmare for my future (even worse than never finding anyone, dying young, or becoming a widow) was being a divorced parent. it was UNTHINKABLE to me, and now here I am, and at a younger age than my parents were when it happened with them.
Possibly the weirdest part is this being a "separation" and not a divorce. Technically, it's on a trial basis, but I don't get the sense my wife is even considering ever coming back. Still, we're in this weird place where we are still friendly, and she still says she loves me on some levels, but we are living separate lives now.
I don't know.
A month and a half ago, I didn't even have any idea this was coming, and now here we are. So weird. Trying to keep myself sane, especially with the study and with tidying up the house (her junk is and always has been EVERYWHERE, so cleaning up is feeling positive and proactive), but the future I'd always accepted without a second thought is out the window. I spent most of my energy every day trying to please her and be there for my kids. Now I have to find other motivations, not just for living, but for everything I do. Will I cook a healthy dinner if it's just for me? Do I care enough just about myself to stick to such a routine? Why clean up the house if I'm the only one living in it right now? Even just "should I turn on all the lights?" or "should I turn up the heat?" if it's just for me. The idea of doing anything to please me is completely alien to me, and it isn't liberating as you might expect -- it's weird. I've never needed to do things for me. Taking care of those I love and being loved by them was all I needed. Give me an hour each night to blow off steam and write a comic review -- that was all I wanted or needed for myself. That playbook is out the window.
Even now, I'm taking care of me and of the house for my wife and kids so that they will not worry about me. Even taking care of myself is something I'm doing for the sake of others. I'm not going to implode; I'm not going to fall apart...because my wife needs not to feel guilt over this and my kids need some sense of stability.
I've had a lot of people try to be there for me recently, and I appreciate that, but I feel more comfortable spilling my guts here, where you can choose to ignore this post, scroll through for the key ideas, or (if you really want) read it in its entirety. I hate demanding people's attention with my problems in the real world, even though I know it's welcome.
Anyway, that's me right now. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2016 10:26:01 GMT -5
Got 2 friends going through something familiar, and as I am friends with both husband and wife, it puts me in a dicey position. I'm not carrying news to either party.
Hope it works out for you shaxper.
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Post by Roquefort Raider on Oct 17, 2016 10:27:12 GMT -5
Anyway, that's me right now. Thanks for letting me vent. Vent away, friend. I wish I had useful words for these trying times... but ears, I've got.
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shaxper
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Post by shaxper on Oct 17, 2016 11:49:36 GMT -5
Got 2 friends going through something familiar, and as I am friends with both husband and wife, it puts me in a dicey position. I'm not carrying news to either party. Hope it works out for you shaxper. Thanks, RM. We're trying really hard not to put our friends and family in an awkward spot but, inevitably, it is anyway. Since we're remaining friends, we are still getting together with our friends at the same time and not in any way asking them to choose between us. Still, I feel bad for them. Thus, I wish you the best of luck in your situation as well.
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Confessor
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Post by Confessor on Oct 17, 2016 13:51:56 GMT -5
I spent most of my energy every day trying to please her and be there for my kids. Now I have to find other motivations, not just for living, but for everything I do. Will I cook a healthy dinner if it's just for me? Do I care enough just about myself to stick to such a routine? Why clean up the house if I'm the only one living in it right now? Even just "should I turn on all the lights?" or "should I turn up the heat?" if it's just for me. The idea of doing anything to please me is completely alien to me, and it isn't liberating as you might expect -- it's weird. This is a very natural feeling for you to have under the circumstances, shax. The thing is that, actually, on some level, it matters more now than it ever has to look after yourself, eat healthily, tidy up, not become a slob etc. You're not doing these things " just for you", you're doing them for YOU. I hate to come on like an armchair psychologist, but YOU are important...both to your family and in and of yourself. Your kids still need their Dad, and they need the Dad that they've always had, not some run down, slap-dash, shadow of his former self. But, like I say, feeling like you do is entirely normal and perfectly understandable. Just be sure not to let things slide because of how you're feeling right now. You have to take care of yourself, in order to take care of everybody else. Hang on in there, buddy.
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Post by Ish Kabbible on Oct 17, 2016 14:05:38 GMT -5
All I can suggest for you Shax is not to let yourself get into a depressive rut over your situation. Stay in charge of your life. Heed the advice Confessor gave you. Literally, open your windowshades and keep your rooms sunny. Get out as often as you can. Be social or at least don't stay home and dwell on the situation. Try to keep your sleep cycles normal.
You got friends and family that love you. Don't feel you are alone in this. And far from the first or last to go through this experience.
And feel free anytime to express yourself here too. We're here to iisten to you
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2016 14:28:53 GMT -5
Shax,
I understand what you are saying here and I read your post of its entirety and I understand that because I live alone too and I managed to get things done and that's one of the reasons why I join the Water Polo League to get out of my Condo and do something for a change. I read the last part of your initial "vent" and I find that nothing wrong with that and I do want assure you that everyone has the rights to vent and air out your thoughts and we'll be there for you in terms of finding the right thing to do. I hope that this separation will not lead to divorce and please stay positive and keep busy doing the things that offer you enjoyment. And, last and not least ... when you see your kids give them a hug to show that you care for them. That's the most important thing that you can do with them. Hang in there and please keep us up to date ...
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shaxper
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Posts: 22,738
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Post by shaxper on Oct 17, 2016 14:40:48 GMT -5
I hate to come on like an armchair psychologist, but YOU are important...both to your family and in and of yourself. Your kids still need their Dad, and they need the Dad that they've always had, not some run down, slap-dash, shadow of his former self. But, like I say, feeling like you do is entirely normal and perfectly understandable. Just be sure not to let things slide because of how you're feeling right now. You have to take care of yourself, in order to take care of everybody else. Hang on in there, buddy. This is brilliant. I guess part of me knew it already, but you put it in a way that really helped. Thank you. [/quote]
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shaxper
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Posts: 22,738
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Post by shaxper on Oct 17, 2016 14:41:54 GMT -5
All I can suggest for you Shax is not to let yourself get into a depressive rut over your situation. Stay in charge of your life. Heed the advice Confessor gave you. Literally, open your windowshades and keep your rooms sunny. Get out as often as you can. Be social or at least don't stay home and dwell on the situation. Try to keep your sleep cycles normal. I needed this, Ish. Thank you.
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shaxper
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Posts: 22,738
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Post by shaxper on Oct 17, 2016 14:43:29 GMT -5
Shax,I understand what you are saying here and I read your post of its entirety and I understand that because I live alone too and I managed to get things done and that's one of the reasons why I join the Water Polo League to get out of my Condo and do something for a change. I read the last part of your initial "vent" and I find that nothing wrong with that and I do want assure you that everyone has the rights to vent and air out your thoughts and we'll be there for you in terms of finding the right thing to do. I hope that this separation will not lead to divorce and please stay positive and keep busy doing the things that offer you enjoyment. And, last and not least ... when you see your kids give them a hug to show that you care for them. That's the most important thing that you can do with them. Hang in there and please keep us up to date ... Jugg, thank you. And the idea of getting more involved in something like water polo, great idea. Now is probably the time for me to get more involved in things and not less so. I'm very good at withdrawing from people, and that won't serve me well right now.
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Post by impulse on Oct 17, 2016 15:32:48 GMT -5
Damn, Shax, sorry to hear of your troubles, but you sound like you are taking it as well as can be expected. I know I haven't known you as well or as long as the other posters here, but I hope it helps to know I'm cheering for you, too. I echo whatever everyone else has already said, and I would like to add that this is actually a fantastic time to join a gym if you haven't alreadt, or a running group, something. There's mountains of evidence on the benefits of exercise to relieve stress and depression, and you brain literally releases happy chemicals when you do. Plus, it makes you healthier so you can better take care of your kids and be around longer to do so. Plus it will help keep you busy and out of the house, and you can see and feel the benefits in your daily life. I would also recommend tying it to a social aspect, too. I worked with a personal trainer for years, and I loved it. Not some roid-rage muscle head at the local Big Gym TM, but a cool older guy. It adds accountability and makes it a social experience and not just a chore. Maybe see if there is something like that in your area - a gym, a Crossfit thing, anything. I found it very helpful when I went through a breakup with my previous fiancee before I met my now wife.
While not a marriage, we had been together for about seven years by that point, and I hear you - the change is WEIRD. But, the good thing is, you get used to it more and more each day, and you get the chance to find yourself and do things for yourself for a change. I think in the longer run, even more refreshing than doing something I wanted to do was the novelty of getting to choose not to do something that was solely to try and make someone else happy, and specifically someone who was damn-near impossible to please. It was hard to see how draining it was at the time while in the middle of it, but when that was removed, it was quite energizing. Not to say your wife and my ex-fianceee were the same, and I hope the time away allows you both time and perspective to come back together from a healthier and stronger standpoint. Just trying to say I think I understand at least some of what you're feeling, and that it does feel better in time, and until then, just fake it and force yourself to take care of you until you actually want to.
Sorry, that was long. You got this, man.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 17, 2016 16:02:05 GMT -5
Shax, even though you gave us a heads-up that this was going to happen, it doesn't make reading your words any easier. I'm sorry that you are going through this.
I won't try to give you advice, as I'm not remotely qualified to do so, nor will I tell you that I understand what you're going through, because I don't have any clue. Just know that I'm praying for you to find peace with the situation and to have the strength to move forward, whatever that path looks like.
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