I like the 'dirty joke' theory':
"Yon minstrel troop hath called the routine, 'The Aristocrats', friend Fury? In sooth...BWAH-HA-HA!"(worthiness forfeited).

Few. I would've thought a rape would follow Thor around at least as badly as slapping Janet follows Hank...

Great recap. I re-read it last night, it was gripping stuff. Roy Thomas seemed to throw everything and the Kitchen sink in that Celestials story.

What If…? #13: Conan the Barbarian Walked the Earth Today?

60 Cents @ February 1979 (Cover Page and 34 net pages)

Writer: Roy Thomas
Illustrators: John Buscema & Ernie Chan
Colorist: Glynis Wein
Letterer: Joe Rosen
Consulting Editor: Jim Shooter
Editor: Roy Thomas

Watcher Quote: “What if the redoubtable Cimmerian had lived and fought in another eon, such as your own? A ludicrous questions… one impossible of an answer? Perhaps… and perhaps not. For, such a thing nearly happened once… though, in your own time continuum, neither he nor any other knew it. Such are the paradoxes of the road not taken… the opportunity missed… the tragedy, perhaps, avoided. I alone know how Conan came with a hair’s breadth of the work of modern man… of nuclear nightmare and fashionable neurosis. I know… for, I am the Watcher.”

“… and his barbarian mind would doubtless consider all this night a mad and eerie dream. But that, deep inside his soul… he knows better. As do I… for I am the Watcher!”

Synopsis: The Watcher starts with a monologue about Conan and his journey into how he came to arrive in man’s modern world. Conan was on a spying mission, and rode on horseback to a trade city called Akbitana. In one of the taverns, he took the time to taste the wiles of a beautiful woman, Alhambra. He was careless and she slipped powder from her ring and into his drinking mug. He then went into unconsciousness, and she had a couple of minions roll him in a carpet, and while hidden walked through the streets and arrived to the Ziggurat which the men of the city shunned. Conan awoke to find himself bound. Then, Alhambra’s master appeared, the time travelling former king of a future Babylon, Shum-Ukin. The time traveler told Conan about the future realms, and then lead him to the inner sanctum of the citadel until they reached a room that had the Well at the Center of Time. He explained to Conan that each time he sent someone down the well, he drew up something very valuable from both past and future. He will send Conan and his servant, Alhambra. Conan broke free and became unbound, but was felled with a stone axe to the head which was administered by one of Shum-Ukin’s minions. Conan and Alhambra were both lowered and the fumes from the eerie waters below grew thicker as they descended. He saw many things in the mirror of his mind. He saw the sinking of Atlantis, cavemen and mammoths, Ancient Egypt, dinosaurs, and other things. The vapors made the ropes that bound him older and he broke free. He untied Alhambra and with her hanging on to him, he climbed upwards using the rope that was tied to the large bucket they were in. He helped her to the safe confines of outside the well, but before he can step outside the well, the rope he was climbing on broke and he plummeted deep into the Well at the Center of Time.

Conan’s corporeal form emerged in modern day New York City. The time is 8:37 PM EST, and the date is Wednesday, July 13, 1977. He was in the middle of Manhattan, and New Yorkers were wary of his presence and avoided him. Dressed as a barbarian in loin fur and having a sword, some people mistook him for Arnold Schwarzenneger or Sylvester Stallone. Conan went to the almost deserted side streets to remain inconspicuous, until punk rockers emerged from one of the buildings and encountered him. Having been annoyed by the punk rockers, Conan bellowed out to what appeared to him as warlocks, to begone. And they ran scared away from him, and Conan continued his way. He came across a grocery and looked through the glass wall and saw the food, as hunger has set in. Just then an old lady smacked him with her bag saying that’s what he gets for showing his bare bejeesuz. An annoyed Conan picked up the old woman and tossed her into a garbage can, and she screamed for help. Two NYPD officers heard the commotion and went to the vicinity. The two cops approached Conan who stood out amongst New Yorkers in his barbarian garb. He drew his sword warning the cops to stay away. The commotion drew a crowd who were curious what was happening. Peter Parker along with Mary Jane noticed the commotion, but Peter told Mary Jane it wasn’t their business and that he was taking her home. The police fired warning shots that hit the wall of the building next to Conan. Thinking their guns and bullets were magic, Conan made a hasty escape and climbed the side of the building. Jumping from building to building utilizing the fire escape ladders, he finally jumped to the street where he was met by an incoming yellow taxi cab. Thinking it was some sort of monster, Conan slashed at the taxi’s hood. A female driver emerged from the taxi telling off Conan about how he is going to fix the hood he just damaged. Still speaking in his Cimmerian tongue, Conan is dumfounded that a woman emerged from riding inside a yellow beast. Curious, she pushed Conan to get inside the back seat of the cab. And the police officers arrived asking if she has seen the Barbarian they were after. She said no, and they went their way.

She decided to drive with Conan and take him to her home for safety. It’s better than him pointing his sword in the street to New Yorkers or cops. Lightning struck a power plant just outside of NYC. At the lady’s home, Conan sensed the loneliness of this woman, citing she’s alone in this world with no man’s protection. He took her to his arms. But suddenly to room went dark as the electricity died. Conan looked outside the window and saw the whole city is encompassed in darkness with the exception of the cars’ headlights whom he referred to as “metal dragons.” In the darkness the lady taxi driver told Conan about her loneliness, and even though Conan couldn’t understand her, he felt her loneliness and told her his name was Conan and took her into his arms, and the woman told him her name, Danette.

After being intimate and falling asleep afterwards, Conan was awoken in the middle of the night with loud crashes downstairs. And he looked outside the window and saw massive looting of stores in the street below. He jumped out the window to the fire-escape ladders and to the street below. Trying to stop the looting, Conan went into action. A black man pulled a knife and was about to cut him, but Conan grabbed his neck and crushed his hand, this dropping the knife, and threw the black man to the other looters. With his back turned, a latino-looking man grabbed Conan’s sword and proclaimed he has a sword, only to have his jaw introduced to Conan’s fist. The latino-looking man crumpled down as pieces of his teeth flew in the air. He then went after the other looters who were carrying various appliances and furniture and went to town with them, all sorts of men, black, white, Latino, Asian, etc. Until all the looters in the area started running away from the berserk and enraged Cimmerian. In a blind fury, Conan lifts a red Volkswagen Beetle and turns it over in the street. And at least his part of the street, the looters left in fear. But in the darkness, the city burned and looters looted throughout the night and into the daylight the next day.

Later that night, Conan was still at Danette’s place, and the electricity is still out. She went to her books and showed him pages from a picture book of the sites of NYC. And the Guggenheim Museum got Conan’s attention. He was still speaking in Cimmerian but he was pointing out that this was the Citadel of Shamash Shum-ukin. She was thinking that was where Conan was from, and drove him to the Guggenheim Museum. Going inside, they found the security guard on the floor unconscious. Turning on her flashlight, she and Conan made their way inside the museum. There were gunmen inside and flashed their flashlight at them, and one of them immediately started shooting at Conan. A bullet hit Conan at his deltoid, and enraged, he attacked one of the gunmen. He took him out. Then one of the gunmen grabbed Danette but she kicked him and tried to run away. He shot her from behind. Conan became more enraged and grabbed the gunman that shot Danette and lifted him up and threw him from the Guggenheim Museum all the way down to the floor. He then grabbed his sword and threw it to another gunman and it killed him instantly. He attacked the two remaining gunmen and grabbed one of them with his feet and calves and snapped him over and the gunman fell to the floor below. Finally he grabbed an ancient relic and threw it to the last remaining gunman and hit him in the base of the neck and taking him down as well. But he tried to grab his gun to shoot Conan, and Conan grabbed his neck and snapped it. He went to see to Danette and she just had a flesh wound. The NYPD officers made their way inside the museum, and Conan left to avoid them as he didn’t want to be incarcerated. Conan headed for the roof of the building. And on the roof he raised his sword and a lightning hit him and he suddenly appeared as if he disintegrated. Danette tried to explain the whole thing to the police. And at that instant Conan re-emerged in his own timeline in the roof of the city Ziggurat. He found his mount and rod away to the desert and beyond carrying Danette’s hat as a reminder.

Comments: This was an entertaining story about Conan being out of time, and how he would react to things and people he encountered on a future time line. Some of his actions comes across as barbaric, some out of fear, and some that would automatically enrage him. I believe there was a blackout in NYC in the 70’s that resulted in massive looting. It’s nice how the story referenced that and explained the cause of the blackout in the city. I hope there’s another Conan story that will appear in this series.

Conan was In a third WI, He met Thor in another issue.

Conan's 'What If' appearances (the two mentioned here, and the 'Wolverine replaces Conan in Cimmeria' issue in the second series) are the only Conan stories I've ever read. Other than Roy Thomas overdoing the Mary Sue stuff ('Dann Sue'?), #13 is a great read, and the tie-in with 1977 blackout lends 'period charm'.;-)

Thanks Roquefort. I really appreciate it. I'm glad you and the others are enjoying the What If thread.