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Post by adamwarlock2099 on Sept 6, 2016 8:28:43 GMT -5
Having someone codependent can be as hard on the person that is dependant as is the person they rely on. For me it's the fine line between feeling wanted and doing it all. And in the last few years, it's been doing it all. And I know that the rift I feel, because we're two parents living together trying to take care of two kids and not a husband and wife trying to take care of two kids. My wife's bipolar takes as hard of a toll on me as it does her. I don't know where that will leave us in the future as a husband and wife, but I will always be the friend I was to her before we were married and will take care of her. But I do feel the absence of having only a friend and not a wife too. And it's almost harder when the person isn't aware or not able to help their actions or behavior.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2016 8:44:16 GMT -5
I remember when my 2nd wife started looking into the co-dependency issue. We never actually talked about it -- in truth, I can't recall whether that was before or after I moved back to Little Rock while she remained in New Orleans, with a somewhat tentative agreement that she would join me later (which never happened) -- so I never really grasped the concert. No doubt there's something there, in that she's married twice since (five times at all), & presumably some sort of common element has been present in that behavior.
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Post by dupersuper on Sept 6, 2016 11:10:01 GMT -5
Just stopping in to let you know if I'm on here only once or twice a weak for the foreseeable future, it's because work randomly started blocking this forum.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2016 11:16:11 GMT -5
Sept. 6 has been nagging at my mind for several days now, & it hit me just a couple of minutes ago: This is the day my dad died at age 34, 11 days before I turned 8, back in 1967. (It was also his youngest sister's birthday. I have to wonder if he meant to visit her, since he turned up dead on a Wednesday in a motel room in Bossier City, just 15 miles or so from where she lived. He would've been down there, I'm sure, for the family reunion in that area on Labor Day weekend.)
And 13 years to the day after that, I totaled our Fiat 128 Sports Coupe in southeast Louisiana while driving down to retrieve my first wife from her very unhappy stint as a teaching assistant in Spanish at what was then the University of Southwestern Louisiana in Lafayette (I had one semester to go at our alma mater in southwest Arkansas). A Cajun couple turned left into my path at a green light; their pickup's bumper was creased, & the front half of my car was irredeemably smashed. I'm lucky I wasn't hurt.
I daresay this might not be a good biorhythm day for me. I probably should've stayed home from work.
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Post by Prince Hal on Sept 6, 2016 11:52:13 GMT -5
Sept. 6 has been nagging at my mind for several days now, & it hit me just a couple of minutes ago: This is the day my dad died at age 34, 11 days before I turned 8, back in 1967. (It was also his youngest sister's birthday. I have to wonder if he meant to visit her, since he turned up dead on a Wednesday in a motel room in Bossier City, just 15 miles or so from where she lived. He would've been down there, I'm sure, for the family reunion in that area on Labor Day weekend.) And 13 years to the day after that, I totaled our Fiat 128 Sports Coupe in southeast Louisiana while driving down to retrieve my first wife from her very unhappy stint as a teaching assistant in Spanish at what was then the University of Southwestern Louisiana in Lafayette (I had one semester to go at our alma mater in southwest Arkansas). A Cajun couple turned left into my path at a green light; their pickup's bumper was creased, & the front half of my car was irredeemably smashed. I'm lucky I wasn't hurt. I daresay this might not be a good biorhythm day for me. I probably should've stayed home from work. Tough day indeed, Dan. Weird how those events from so long ago can pop up to haunt us. All we can do to keep them from pulling us down or holding us back is to focus on now, I guess. And treat yourself to a Howlers story. Maybe even an Annual.
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Post by DE Sinclair on Sept 6, 2016 12:56:30 GMT -5
Really, shax? Not asking you to share, but I'm finding it difficult to accept that you have an abusive personality or that you struck your wife or were anything but carinfg based on the person we see here every day. Where was that book even a few months ago, or back when all this started to hit the fan and you guys were in counseling? Look, sure I get that it's a two-way street and that we all have other sides to our selves, but I can't believe you're the mustache-twirling irredeemable villain here. And I know we all only know each other as keystrokes on a screen, but, Jesus, can all of us here be that wrong about you? You're one of the good guys. Of course, I wish nothing but calm and peace for your whole family, but don't shoulder everything here. Just doesn't seem to make sense. I hope I don't sound overly defensive about you or as if I can't accept that your wife has a story to tell, too; nobody's perfect, but take a minute to gather in everything and try not to overreact to what you read in one book, okay? I hear you and I hear your concern, Hal. It's appreciated. No, I never hit her. Emotionally abusive, and even then, it's a subtle thing. My co-dependence played badly on her own past life experiences, and it then compounded from there -- her getting hurt and withdrawn, and that making me more demanding and more frustrated with her. I'm not a villain. I didn't understand what I was doing, but it messed her up a lot. I only wish she'd known how to help me understand earlier, before it was too late, or that therapy had gotten us there. A friend of a friend gave her the book just the other week, long after she'd made up her mind, but before she'd told me. I really have two choices for how to proceed: 1. Understand her pain, understand why what's happening is happening, draw the best comfort I can from that, and do the best I can for her, for myself, and for our kids. 2. Deny it, fight it, try to disprove it, live resentfully. That's not for me. I wasn't on for a few days, so I'm late with joining in the chorus. But, obviously, this sucks. One thing I would mention, though. From my own childhood, overseen by my father, mother, and her live-in boyfriend (not all simultaneously, at least not all the time) I learned one thing that's relevent. You say you were responsible for her unhappiness. People are responsible for their own happiness, regardless of circumstances. Your issues may have contributed to her feelings, but doesn't mean you deserve all the blame. She was also responsible for how she dealt with the entire situation, just as you were. Obviously you're going to try to make the best of it for her & the kids, but don't forget you're not solely responsible here either. Best of luck to you all.
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Post by adamwarlock2099 on Sept 6, 2016 14:29:45 GMT -5
I hear you and I hear your concern, Hal. It's appreciated. No, I never hit her. Emotionally abusive, and even then, it's a subtle thing. My co-dependence played badly on her own past life experiences, and it then compounded from there -- her getting hurt and withdrawn, and that making me more demanding and more frustrated with her. I'm not a villain. I didn't understand what I was doing, but it messed her up a lot. I only wish she'd known how to help me understand earlier, before it was too late, or that therapy had gotten us there. A friend of a friend gave her the book just the other week, long after she'd made up her mind, but before she'd told me. I really have two choices for how to proceed: 1. Understand her pain, understand why what's happening is happening, draw the best comfort I can from that, and do the best I can for her, for myself, and for our kids. 2. Deny it, fight it, try to disprove it, live resentfully. That's not for me. I wasn't on for a few days, so I'm late with joining in the chorus. But, obviously, this sucks. One thing I would mention, though. From my own childhood, overseen by my father, mother, and her live-in boyfriend (not all simultaneously, at least not all the time) I learned one thing that's relevent. You say you were responsible for her unhappiness. People are responsible for their own happiness, regardless of circumstances. Your issues may have contributed to her feelings, but doesn't mean you deserve all the blame. She was also responsible for how she dealt with the entire situation, just as you were. Obviously you're going to try to make the best of it for her & the kids, but don't forget you're not solely responsible here either. Best of luck to you all. That's a great point DE. And it might be one I need to take to heart too in my own life. After all, even if I have no mental illness I am not by far perfect and can contribute negatively just like either of us can positively to each other.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2016 15:13:13 GMT -5
A resounding "yes" to what DE said. At the risk of oversimplifying drastically, I venture to say that no one who's deliriously happy achieved that status without the contributions & influence of anyone else, & the same goes for anyone who's utterly miserable. And for that matter for anyone in between. Add all those together, & I think the entirety of the human race is covered.
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Post by impulse on Sept 6, 2016 16:35:32 GMT -5
Egads! I am off here for a week or two and the sky has fallen. Good vibes and general well being to all who post here and just anyone who needs it. Hang in there, Shax, and be there for the kids, and I hope you take to heart everyone's advice and comments to not take all the blame yourself.
Onto lighter things, my toddler daughter correctly called a poor driver a douchebag the other day (copying me) so that was nice.
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Post by Mormel on Sept 7, 2016 18:26:52 GMT -5
I'm on my first nighshift of my life, and it's also the first nightshift for this warehouse as a whole. Already, we've run into a glitch; a connection failure so that we don't get any labels printed. So now we're in the canteen till they fix the problem. It's 1:26 AM.
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Post by adamwarlock2099 on Sept 7, 2016 21:43:36 GMT -5
I'm on my first nighshift of my life, and it's also the first nightshift for this warehouse as a whole. Already, we've run into a glitch; a connection failure so that we don't get any labels printed. So now we're in the canteen till they fix the problem. It's 1:26 AM. I worked night between 2011-2012 for like 18 months between the two jobs and the only plus was when I worked 5pm-3am, only for those hours until the kids got up for school. I would get off Friday at 3am and go back Sunday at 5pm. But those early hours of peace and quiet while everyone else was asleep and I could read, play video games or watch something was nice. But then sleeping through the whole afternoon while the kids were home after school sucked. I remember one night grabbing some vodka out the fridge with some OJ when I got home and watching Swamp Thing for the first time. Good time. Transversely I remember not reading the synopsis to the Human Centipede and thinking it was a modern creature feature and couldn't drink enough but didn't turn it off. Those are my two most prominent night shift memories.
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Post by Mormel on Sept 8, 2016 8:45:50 GMT -5
I'm on my first nighshift of my life, and it's also the first nightshift for this warehouse as a whole. Already, we've run into a glitch; a connection failure so that we don't get any labels printed. So now we're in the canteen till they fix the problem. It's 1:26 AM. I worked night between 2011-2012 for like 18 months between the two jobs and the only plus was when I worked 5pm-3am, only for those hours until the kids got up for school. I would get off Friday at 3am and go back Sunday at 5pm. But those early hours of peace and quiet while everyone else was asleep and I could read, play video games or watch something was nice. But then sleeping through the whole afternoon while the kids were home after school sucked. I remember one night grabbing some vodka out the fridge with some OJ when I got home and watching Swamp Thing for the first time. Good time. Transversely I remember not reading the synopsis to the Human Centipede and thinking it was a modern creature feature and couldn't drink enough but didn't turn it off. Those are my two most prominent night shift memories. I can imagine. Being a merry bachelor w/o any housemates, I don't have the issue of misaligning day schedules to worry about. Also I've never bothered to watch The Human Centipede. The premise alone just makes me feel queasy enough to not ever want to see that film. I came through the night shift all right. I didn't sleep all that much this morning, but I stayed in bed until about 11; hopefully tomorrow I'll be tired enough to get at least six solid hours of sleep.
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Post by Icctrombone on Sept 8, 2016 12:01:01 GMT -5
Two things to add:
1. No one is going to tell me shax is nothing but an awesome guy
2. I was divorced from my first wife who had mental problems and eventually you get off the deck and are okay.
Rock on, Shaxper!
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Post by hondobrode on Sept 8, 2016 15:02:09 GMT -5
None of us is perfect, but some are closer to it than not.
It sounds like Shax wants to try to fix it, but his wife is set on leaving.
That doesn't sit right with me. My ex-wife refused to attempt to fix it.
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Post by adamwarlock2099 on Sept 8, 2016 23:03:30 GMT -5
I worked night between 2011-2012 for like 18 months between the two jobs and the only plus was when I worked 5pm-3am, only for those hours until the kids got up for school. I would get off Friday at 3am and go back Sunday at 5pm. But those early hours of peace and quiet while everyone else was asleep and I could read, play video games or watch something was nice. But then sleeping through the whole afternoon while the kids were home after school sucked. I remember one night grabbing some vodka out the fridge with some OJ when I got home and watching Swamp Thing for the first time. Good time. Transversely I remember not reading the synopsis to the Human Centipede and thinking it was a modern creature feature and couldn't drink enough but didn't turn it off. Those are my two most prominent night shift memories. I can imagine. Being a merry bachelor w/o any housemates, I don't have the issue of misaligning day schedules to worry about. Also I've never bothered to watch The Human Centipede. The premise alone just makes me feel queasy enough to not ever want to see that film. I came through the night shift all right. I didn't sleep all that much this morning, but I stayed in bed until about 11; hopefully tomorrow I'll be tired enough to get at least six solid hours of sleep. Dont. It's an abomination. Nothing of value in that movie. Sick shit for the sake of it. I really have no excuse for not turning it off. But yeah when I worked nights single, no different than days. :-)
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