Okay, I originally did this on the Captain America TFA IMDB message board, after a marathon of Hogan's Heroes episodes.  So, in a new form, here is my take on Hogan's Heroes, as rendered by Captain America and the MCU Howling Commandos.  First the equivalencies:

Captain America/Steve Rogers=Col. Hogan (Bob Crane)
Bucky Barnes=Bucky Barnes
Dum-Dum Dugan=Dum-Dum Dugan
Lord James Montgomery Falsworth=Newkirk (Richard Dawson)
Gabe Jones=Kinch (Ivan Dixon)
Jacques Dernier-Cpl Lebeau (Robert Clary)
Jim Morita=Carter (Larry Hovitz)
Col Klink=Col Klink (Werner Klemperer) 
Sgt Schultz=Sgt Schultz (john Banner)
Red Skull=Gen. Burkhalter (Leon Askin)
Col Crittendon=Col Crittendon (Bernard Fox)

The place:  Luftstalag 13, somewhere in Germany
The time:  World War 2, before D-Day.

We open in the camp, as we see the POWs hanging out their laundry, tossing around a baseball or kicking a football (soccer ball, for you Yanks).  Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Lord Falsworth and Gabe Jones are hanging around outside the barracks, as Falsworth tries, once again, to explain cricket to Dum-Dum.

Dumm-Dum:  "So, let me get this straight, you bat with a big plank of wood, hitting a leather ball and then run back and forth..."

Falsworth:  "More or less, yes...."

Dum-Dum:  "But, the pitcher is called a bowler..."

Falsworth:  "Right...."

Dum-Dum:  "and he kind of lobs it overhand, trying to put spin on it and hit the set of sticks behind the batter..."

Falsworth:  "Wicket; but, yes...."

Dum-Dum:  "Instead of bowling towards ten-pins?"

Falsworth:  "Different kind of bowling, old bean."

Bucky (to Steve):  "How many times have they gone over this?"

Steve:  "They don't call him Dum-Dum for nothing!"

Just then, Schultz and some of the other goons come over and start shooing the men back to their huts.

Schultz:  "Beck, beck, beck; Evvvvvferybody beck into der barracks!  Raus!  Schnell!

Steve:  "What's up Schultz?"

Schultz:  "Kommandant's orders, Kapitan Rogers; all prisoners are to go beck inside der barracks und remain dere, mit der vindows und doors shut."

Dernier:  "And what if we don't want to go?"

Schultz:  Oh, please, cockroach; don't make me shoot you!"

Bucky:  "With what, Schultz?

Bucky has slipped Schultz's rifle away from him and passed it down the line.

Schultz:  "Mit mein ......Vere iz mein rifle?  Give it beck, now!"

Morita:  "Oh, you mean this rifle?"

Schultz grabs it back.

Schultz:  "Please, Kapitan Rogers; if the Kommandant sees a prisoner handing me mein rifle it will be .....pfffffft....right to der Russian Front!"

Steve:  "We're sorry Schultz.  Boys don't take Schult's rifle again; that was very naughty"  he waggles his finger at them and smiles.

The Howlers move inside and the doors are closed and windows covered by shutters, which lock on the outside.  Steve Rogers goes over to a sink, grabs the handles and lifts up the faucet, tilting it up so that he looks into the spout.  We cut to outside the barracks, where Schultz is standing next to a water barrel.  A tin can pops out of the water and swivels around.  it is a disguised periscope and Captain Rogers scans the compound.  He sees a convoy of trucks and HYDRA men come into the compound.  A rather large truck has something under a tarp.  He also sees a staff car, with the Red Skull.

Bucky:  "What is it  Steve?"

Steve:  "The Red Skull just got out of a staff car and he has HYDRA goons posted around that big truck.  I can't tell what's inside.  Whatever it is, they are keeping the regular goons away from it, too.  Old Red Head is going into Klink's office.  Gabe, get the coffee pot!"

Gabe brings overs a coffee percolator and removes the lid, revealing a speaker. The Howler's lean close and listen, as they hear the Red Skull enter the outer office of the commandant's HQ.

Red Skull:  "Gutten tag, Fraulein Hilda.  Und how is mein liebchen today?"

The Skull pinches Hilda's cheek and she smiles, then frowns when he looks away.  Col Klink has come out of his office.

Klink:  Herr Rot Schadel.....always a pleasure.......

Red Skull:  "Heil Hitler!"

Klink:  "Oh, yes....Heil Hitler!"  To what do I owe the pleasure....

Red Skull:  "Klink it is never a pleasure to look at your fatuous face!"

Klink:  "Of course.....my mistake.  It's never a pleasure..."

Skull:  "Watch it Klink, there is no shortage of postings for the Russian Front!  I vill be staying here for a few days, while my men und I move some secret experiments to a new base.  You will provide quarters and vatever else I require.  Your men are to stay away from mein vehicles."

Klink:  "Of course, stay away from the vehicles!  Jawohl Her Schadel!"

Skull:  "You vill also entertain my sister, while I am here."

Klink:  (coughing)  "You're sister, is coming here?"

Skull:  "Ja, she is getting married near here."

Klink:  "Married?  Congratulations, Herr Schadel!  Who is the lucky man?"

Skull:  "You are Klink!"

Klink turns paler than a ghost, he stammers...."M-m-m-me?  B-b-b-but your sister hates me?"

Skull:  "Ja, I know.  She has gut taste!  However, it is high time she was married und all of the other candidates have volunteered for suicide missions to Stalingrad.  Go figure!"

Klink:  "Smart......I mean brave men!.  B-b-but, if she hates me, why would she want to marry me?"

Skull:  "Who says she wants to?  i just vant her out of my mountain lair!  She is ein pain in der arsch!  And since you are also a pain, I figured why not combine my two pains and at least contain the suffering!"

Klink:  "How shrewd.  But, if she doesn't like me, why would she marry me?"

Skull:  "Brunhilde wants children and the Allies seem to be doing a thorough job; so, beggars can't be choosers.  You will woo her and ask her to marry you.  Some schnapps und some of that French prisoner's cooking should do the trick."

Klink:  "Jawohl Her Schadel!  Schultz, tell Dernier that he will be cooking for my guests.  Have the guest quarters prepared for Herr Schadel und his charming sister!"

Schultz:  (softly)  "He has another sister?"

Klink:  "Stum, dumkopf!"

Schultz:  "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! " 

Back inside the barracks, Steve and his men have heard everything.

Morita:  "Poor Klink!"

Dum-Dum:  "Why poor Klink?  He gets a woman to take care of him, while we are stuck over here, hunting for HYDRA bases....why not poor us?"

Bucky:  "You ever see the Red Skull's sister?"

Dum-Dum:  "No, why?"

Dum-Dum is interrupted by loud shouting.  The men look through the periscope and see an immensely fat and angry woman, hair wrapped in traditional German braids, slapping the driver and berating a poor soldier.  Schultz takes her bags and cowers as she screams at him all the way to the VIP quarters. Guards come around the corner and do an immediate about-face and run in the other direction.  The camp guard dogs run into their houses and cower, whimpering.  Steve looks back at Dum-Dum....

Steve:  "Any more questions?"

Dum-Dum:  "Why don't we just take pity on Klink and shoot him?"

Steve:  "One mercy at a time.  Gabe, get on the horn to Pappa Bear and tell him about the truck.  Jacques, make sure everyone stays well liquored up this evening."

Dernier:  "To keep them occupied?"

Steve:  "No, to prevent them from shooting themselves."

Bucky:  "You're worried about a kraut?"

Steve:  "All's fair in love and war; but, I wouldn't wish Brunhilde Schadel on Adolf Hitler.  Klink's an okay Fritz.  Dumb, but okay.  Besides, she will take over running things and that will be the end of our little operation."

Dum-Dum:  "But she's a civilian!"

Steve:  "You want to tell her that?"

Dum-Dum:  "Oh, right; I get your point."

Later, the men are sitting around the barracks table, drinking coffee.  We see a bunk rise up and the underlying slat frame drop down into an opening, creating a sort of ladder.  Gabe comes climbing up through the newly revealed door....

Gabe:  "Steve, I talked to Pappa Bear, they don't have any intel on the mystery truck and want us to find out what it is."

Steve:  "Wonderful!  Any other good news?"

Gabe:  "If you think that was bad.....they sent an expert to help out."

Morita:  "What's bad about an expert?  We could use the help.  Sounds like they were thinking of us, for a change."

Gabe:  "I'll remind you of that, later."

Steve:  "Who are they sending?"

Gabe:  "Well............"

Just then, a middle-aged man, in British uniform comes bounding up the ladder.

Voice:  "I say chaps, bally great to be here, again, wot?"  It's Col. Crittendon., from British "Intelligence."

Falsworth:  "Oh, blimey; it's Col Blimp."

Crittendon:  "Crittendon, actually, old boy, don't you know.  Combined Operations chappies, sent to assess the sitch, don't you know.  I say, you're Lord Falsworth, wot?  Won the Army pistol championships in '34; Modern Pentathlon at the Berlin Games"

Bucky:  "You were at the Olympics?"

Crittendon: "Bronze Medal..."

Falsworth:  "Silver, actually..."

Crittendon:  "Eh, wot, Silver?  Frightfully sorry, old man."

Bucky:  "Steve, why are we being saddled with this limey knucklehead?  Every time he turns up it is a complete disaster!"

Crittendon:  "Now steady on, Yank.  I know things have gone a bit pear shaped in the past; but, orders and what not, eh?"

Steve:  "He's right, Bucky.  Just simmer down and watch the insults."

Crittendon:  "I should bally well say so, wot?  Try to act like a gentlemen, even if you are a Yank."  The Americans all take offense.  Bucky gets in Crittendon's face.

Bucky:  "Sit on it and rotate, buddy."  He flips Crittendon the bird.

Crittendon:  "Not a gentleman!"

Falsworth:  "He's right, you pompous ass."

Crittendon:  "Well, really; one expects these sorts of things from the Yanks; but a fellow Englishman.....not cricket, not at all."

Bucky whispers to Steve, while Falsworth also leans in:  "Can't we just distract this buffoon, while we work?"

Falsworth:  "Sorry chaps; but, he's got connections at the War Office.  If they say he's here to advise, we're not going to be able to keep him out  of things."

Steve: "Don't worry, I have an idea....."

Later, Dernier is preparing the meal for Klink and his guests.  Klink and the Red Skull discuss mess rotation for his men and doubling the guard on the camp and the watchtowers.  Schultz tries to stay out of Brunhilde's way, rather like a lame matador trying to avoid the bull.  Steve sneaks in and talks to Jacques...

Steve:  "Jacques, here's a little something to add to the soup."  He hands him a small bottle of pills and Jacques smiles and nods.  He drops several pills into the soup and stirs.  Schultz comes over and is about to steal a taste when Dernier swats away his hand.

Schultz:  "Oh, just a taste, cockroach."

Dernier:  "Non, conchon bosche!"

Schultz:  "Oh, please, it was saurkraut night in the mess hall."

Steve:  "it's always saurkraut night in the mess hall."

Schultz:  "Why do you think I'm so hungry? I hate saurkraut!"

Steve:  Here, have some bread.  Maybe Dernier will sneak you a plate later."

Schultz:  "Oh Kapitan Rogers, you are too gut to be an enemy!"

Steve:  "You aren't bad for a Hun, either, Schultz!"

Schultz:  "Danke, mein Hauptmann. "  Brunhilde bellows for Schultz.  "Uh, oh; der valkyrie calls."

Steve:  "I thought the Valkyrie picked up the dead..."

Schultz:  "Would you go near her unless you had been slain?  The Russian Front isn't looking so bad!"

Steve:  "I'll put you up for a medal, Schultz."

Schultz:  "Make it a Blue Max; I don't think an Iron Cross will be enough."

Steve to Jacques:  "Keep them liquored up and keep spiking the food, I need them under for the next several hours, while we snoop."

Dernier:  "What about the HYDRA  goons?"

Steve:  "Morita is taking care of that."

Schultz and Klink are pouring schnapps down Brunhilde's throat.  Klink is growing paler.  Red Skull is busy with Fraulein Hilda, patting her knee and pulling her closer.  She looks at Steve and he smiles and winks.  She gives him a stink eye.  He holds up a pair of nylon stockings and points at the Skull.  She holds up two fingers and Steve nods, and Hilda smiles and turns back to the Skull, who has removed himself from his sister's venom.  Brunhilde is getting more and more tipsy and it seems to take the edge off.  She starts smiling at Klink.

Brunhilde Schadel:  "You know Klink, in a certain light, you aren't so bad."

Klink:  "You are quite attractive, yourself, Fraulein Schadel.....in a certain light...."

Schultz (under his breath):  "Pitched darkness, maybe..."

Brunhilde:  "Vat did you say, oaf?"

Schultz:  "I said vat an enchantress, mein Fraulein."

Brunhilde (giggling):  "You're not so bad yourself, teddy bear!"

Schultz:  "I think I vill go check on the guards!"  Schultz rapidly leaves the room.

Red Skull:  "Behave yourself, liebchen, Klink is your intended."

Brunhilde:  " He has a face like a halibut!"

Skull:  "You think you are Marlene Dietrich?  Be nice to him.  He is your last chance to become a wife and mother.  Besides, he will be easy to boss around.  He is too cowardly to shoot himself!"

Brunhilde (drunkenly):  "Oh, ja; der kinder.  I vant so much to be a mama; I have so much liebe to give...."

Skull:  "Ugh, vat a horrible thought!"  Pssst...."Klink, get to verk and start pitching woo at mein sister."

Klink:  "She might catch it!"

Skull (Screaming in his ear)  "Schnell!"

Klink refills Brunhilde's glass.  She giggles and slams it back and holds out her glass again.  Klink turns the bottle upside down and it is empty.  He picks up another and she snatches it from his hand and takes several large gulps.  Then she leers at Klink and licks her lips.  Klink grabs the bottle back and downs the rest.  He grabs Brunhilde around the shoulders (or as near as he can get) and plants his lips on hers, while Fraulein Hilda, the Red Skull, Schultz and Dernier stare, their jaws agape.  Brunhilde's eyes are wide open.  Klink pulls back and cringes.

Brunhilde:  "Mein Got! Vot a kiss!" and she grabs Klink and pulls him to her lips and nearly swallows his head.  He starts turning blue from loss of air.  He is able to slip free and gulps in huge inhalations of air, then Brunhilde snatches his face to her enormous bosom.  "Oh, mein Willie, you are such a kisser!  Ve shall do zis alvays!"  Klink flails his arms about, trying to get free and draw breath.  Schultz and the Red Skull are pulling on Brunhilde, finally, Klink finds air.  The sound of his intake is like a whirlpool, drawing all inside.

Brunhilde:  "Plays some music, let us dance!"  Shultz rushes over to the phonograph and puts on some waltz music and Brunhilde grabs Klink and starts spinning him around the room.  Red Skull and Hilda join them.  Brunhilde throws Klink around like a rag doll, but becomes more erratic in her footwork.  She starts to stagger and plows into her brother and Hilda.  Klink tries to steady her; but, isn't strong enough,  She starts to teeter on her feet.

Klink:  "Look out, she is going over....."

Schultz:  "Tiiiimmmmberrrrrr!!!!!!!!!"  Brunhilde collapses on top of Klink, Red Skull and Schultz.  Jacques pulls Hilda away in time.  The men struggle under Brunhilde's dead weight, as snoring is heard.  Soon, their own intake of alcohol and sedatives kick in and they are out.  Jacques sticks his head out a window and  gives a low whistle.

Elsewhere, Jim Morita, dressed in the uniform of the Imperial Japanese Army, comes strolling up to the HYDRA goons, bottle in hand.

Morita:  "How about a little schnapps to keep you warm, honorable allies?"  The goons look back towards the VIP quarters and then to the guard towers.  They hold out their canteen cups and Morita doles out the liquor.  He tucks the bottle into one of the guards' greatcoat.  He winks and walks away, whistling  a tune from the Mikado.

Gabe and Dum-Dum watch from the shadows.  They look at each other.  "They bought that?"  asks Gabe.  "They make me look like Thomas Edison, by comparison."  Morita walks by.  "No one ever questions  why a Japanese soldier is in a German POW camp."  Dum-Dum queries, "Why is that?"  "Convenient writing, " answers Gabe.

They whistle and Steve, Bucky and Falsworth sneak over to the shadows.  They watch as the guards take a few drinks, then lean their rifles against the truck.  They take a few more, then lean themselves against the truck.

Gabe:  "What did you put in the bottle, Cap?"

Steve:  "Horse tranquilizers."

Gabe:  "Yeesh!"

They hear snoring and whistle back at the barracks.  Crittendon sneaks over, in a very orderly manner, as taught at Sandhurst.  Bucky shoves him under the tarp and heads inside, behind him.  There, they find a V-2 Rocket, of a brand new type, with launch controls attached.  Crittendon pulls out a miniature camera and starts taking pictures, while the others keep watch.  Bucky opens access plates and urges Crittendon to hurry.

Bucky:  "Move your fat ass, Crittendon; we don't have that much time, before the guard change."

Crittendon:  "Steady on lad; we have oodles of time.  Have to get these exposures right, don't you know."

Steve:  "Will you guys pipe down; we didn't get all of the goons!"


Crittendon moves around the enclosed space and he and Bucky jostle one another.  Bucky loses his hold on an access plate on the rocket and gets his shirt caught, while Crittendon looks at the launch controls.

Bucky (hissing at Steve):  "Steve, give me a hand; I'm caught!"

Steve:  "Oh, for Pete's sake!"  He goes over and tries to pull out Bucky's sleeve.  It's jammed in the plate.  Steve climbs up on the rocket to get a better hold on the plate.  Just then, Crittendon leans forward to look at a glass map of Europe, superimposed over a monitor, of some kind.  He pushes against a lever and a low rumble starts.  Everyone looks up.  Steve looks down and Bucky starts to sweat, as the rocket starts vibrating.

Falsworth (to Crittendon):  "What did you do, you imbecile?"

Crittendon:  "Oh, I say, rum luck.  I seem to have pushed a lever of some sort, let me just push it back..."

Steve:  "Don't touch anything!"

Bucky:  "Get me loose from this thing!"

Crittendon:  "Steady on chaps; just a matter of jiggling a few switches and turning a few nobby things, wot?"

Falsworth:  "Blast it, leave it al.................."

His voice is drowned out by a roar as the rocket engine kicks into full gear and it starts to shake, violently.  Crittendon pops up, flipping up a switch cover with his sleeve cuff.  He then stumbles and drops his hand on the launch switch, as he tries to catch himself.  Everyone dives aside as the rocket starts to move...

Bucky:  "Steve...................."

Steve: "Bucky................."

The rocket launches from its cradle and lifts off into the sky.  The Howling Commandos stare up at their lost leader and Bucky.  Klink and the Red Skull, looking rather bruised and broken, limp outside.  They see the rocket disappearing in the sky.

Skull:  "Klink!  You dumkopf!  You schweinhund!  You, you........."

Brunhilde:  "Cuddly wuddly..." as she kisses the back of his neck."

Klink:  "I volunteer for the Russian Front, Her Schadel!"

Skull:  Oh, no, you aren't getting off that easy!  You vill marry my sister and giver her ten children, if it kills you"

Schultz:  "And it vill!"

Skull:  "Ja, if he is lucky.  Schultz, round up the prisoners and put a firing squad together."

Schultz:  "Firing squad, Herr Schadel?"

Skull:   "Mach schnell!"

Schultz (saluting):  "Jawohl, mein Rot Schadel!"  Schultz looks at the Howlers and shrugs.

Dum-Dumm and Gabe look at each other, and then look at Klink, cringing at Brunhilde's every amorous touch.  "Could be worse!" they say in unison, as they shake their heads at Klink.  They look up at the sky as the rocket trail heads off across the horizon. "There goes the last remnants of Captain America and Bucky."  The men all salute.  Schultz returns with the firing squad.

Crittendon:  "Bad show, wot!"