" Nuts! "

- Anthony McAuliffe, 1944.

"C.J.: Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
Bartlet: I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?
C.J.: No.
Bartlet: Me neither.
C.J.: It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.
Bartlet: I know.
Toby: We're talking about Texas, sir.
Bartlet: I know.
C.J.: USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.
Sam: It was big hats.
C.J.: What difference does it make?
Bartlet: It makes a difference.
C.J.: The point is we got whomped in Texas.
Josh: We got whomped in Texas twice.
C.J.: We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.
Bartlet: I think I was there.
C.J.: And it was avoidable. Sir.
Bartlet: C.J., on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.'
CJ: Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.
Bartlet: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh?
Josh: Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.
Bartlet: Thank you. Next? Leo.
Leo: 'After it, therefore because of it'.
Bartlet: 'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?
C.J.: When you learned to speak Latin?
Bartlet: Go figure."

- Aaron Sorkin

"Nothing beats the taste sensation when maple syrup *clap* collides with ham."

-Special Agent Dale Cooper, FBI
Twin Peaks

"Eat shit, a hundred billion flies can't be wrong."

Sheriff Truman: Lucy, you'd better bring Agent Cooper up to date.
Lucy Moran: Leo Johnson was shot, Jacques Renault was strangled, the mill burned, Shelley and Pete got smoke inhalation, Catherine and Josie are missing, Nadine is in a coma from taking sleeping pills.
Dale Cooper: How long have I been out?
Sheriff Truman: Six hours."
- Twin Peaks

“They used to say if man was meant to fly, he'd have wings, but he did fly. He discovered he had to. Do you wish that the first Apollo mission hadn't reached the moon, or that we hadn't gone on to Mars and then to the nearest star? That's like saying you wish that you still operated with scalpels and sewed your patients up with catgut like your great-great-great-great grandfather used to. I'm in command. I could order this, but I'm not because Doctor McCoy is right in pointing out the enormous danger potential in any contact with life and intelligence as fantastically advanced as this, but I must point out that the possibilities - the potential for knowledge and advancement - is equally great. Risk! Risk is our business. That's what this starship is all about. That's why we're aboard her.”
― Star Trek

"Janitor: I always get this way in the Fall, you know? Summer’s gone, the days are shorter. It just makes me feel so... what’s the word?
J.D.: Sad?
Janitor: Yes, that’s it. I’m a janitor, so I couldn’t think of the word ‘sad.’ I was gonna say ‘it makes me feel so mop.’
J.D.: Let me explain. I...
Janitor: Go ahead. I’m mopping.
J.D.: Maybe I shouldn’t bother.
Janitor: Maybe you mopn’t."
- Scrubs

"Stephen Colbert: Jennifer, what do you think happens when you die?
Jennifer Lawrence: I think they give your hospital bed to some one else."
- The Late Show

“Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.”
- Jon Stewart

"Will: Miss Greer, you mentioned creeping Islam, are you concerned about creeping Christianity?
Phylis Greer: [laughing] Only that it's not creeping fast enough.
Will: Okay. Here are some things done on American soil in the name of Christianity. The Ku Klux Klan burned down black churches, raped women, murdered civil rights workers, murdered children and terrorized communities for over a century. The neo nazis all acted and continue to act in the name of white christian supremacy. The army of god fatally attacks abortion clinics and doctors across the country. The covenant, the sword and the arm of the lord targets local police and federal agents. The federal building in Oklahoma City. The attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan and the successful assassinations of Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, and Abraham Lincoln, all perpetrated by Christians. Miss Greer, we weren't attacked by Muslims, we were attacked by sociopaths, and I for one would join you in protesting a community center for the criminally insane, but no one is suggesting building one."
- The Newsroom

“All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line.”
― Jarod Kintz

“A small man can be just as exhausted as a great man.”
― Arthur Miller

“For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.”
― Douglas Adams

“Suddenly I realized that I wanted everything to be as it was when I was younger. When you're young enough, you don't know that you live in a cheap lousy apartment. A cracked chair is nothing other than a chair. A dandelion growing out of a crack in the sidewalk outside your front door is a garden. You could believe that a song your parent was singing in the evening was the most tragic opera in the world. It never occurs to you when you are very young to need something other than what your parents have to offer you.”
― Heather O'Neill

“Things that would have made fame of a less clever man seemed tricks in his hands. It is a mistake to do things too easily.”
― H.G. Wells

“So they finished their supper in great joy and contentment, and presently retired to rest between clean sheets safe in Toads ancestral home, won back by matchless valour, consummate strategy, and a proper handling of sticks.”
- Kenneth Grahame

“Adrian Veidt: I did the right thing, didn't I? It all worked out in the end.
Dr. Manhattan: 'In the end'? Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends.”
― Alan Moore

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
― George Carlin

"I wanted to put a reference to masturbation in one of the scripts for the Sandman. It was immediately cut by the editor [Karen Berger]. She told me, "There's no masturbation in the DC Universe." To which my reaction was, "Well that explains a lot about the DC Universe.""
- Neal Gaiman

“Oh, come off your perch!" said the other man, who wore glasses. "Your premises won't come out in the wash. You wind-jammers who apply bandy-legged theories to concrete categorical syllogisms send logical conclusions skallybootin' into the infinitesimal ragbag. You can't pull my leg with an old sophism with whiskers on it.”
- O. Henry

"When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie... Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie Police Academy.
- Homer Simpson

“My dad hates umbrellas, said Deeba, swinging her own. When it rains he always says the same thing. 'I do not believe the presence of moisture in the air is sufficient reason to overturn society's usual sensible taboo against wielding spiked clubs at eye level.”
― China Miéville

“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”
― Mark Twain

“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.”
― Bertrand Russell

No worries, it's my baggage.